The Castle of Time

You are living inside of many, many bubbles of shock and freeze.  If you have any dis-ease, pain or illness then you have been shocked and have not been able to get out of the frozen held place within you that you are in and this will never change until or unless you get some pretty amazing help to get out of that frozen place. 

‘Just let it go and get over it’ are but just a couple of unhelpful phrases that I have heard my whole life from people who themselves are frozen but too identified with Being Frozen to notice.  I come along and trigger them and they tell me to ‘get over it’.  They are coping, we are all coping. 

The blows that happen when we are little act like little weights that put pressure on our energy system and over time they weigh us down.  When we are young we can manage these weights much better.  We bounce back quickly and are able to manage this weight. When we get older that doesn’t happen and then people begin to wonder what is it that is happening to me? I don’t understand where all of this pain came from? 

It’s always been there you have been able to cope and now you can’t.  The weights you have been carrying are too much and your system is beginning to break down.  The realization of these inner weights is very confusing and difficult to get out of and heal because you can’t see what you’re inside of.  Like a fish in water.  

Many don’t have any memory of anything wrong happening to them, or, if they do they didn’t see it as anything wrong or troubling because that’s what we do, we normalize something we don’t have any control over.  It’s a defence mechanism and thank God for those built-in mechanisms. However…

It’s like you get frozen in time and then become a whole personality to cover the pain that you are not.  Most will never go near this Castle of Time for fear of the cracks, weaknesses and vulnerabilities that will begin to show once the status quo gets questioned.  But for those that do go near it a whole other life begins to grow inside and upwards for new possibilities.  This movement of life begins to threaten the frozen weights of time and for a long time there is an ensuing inner battle inside the person. 

We are only capable of accessing a tiny bit of the incident, accident, shock or trauma at a time.  A tiny bit at a time because of how big it was in young nervous systems and if it were to come out as big as it went in it could re-traumatize the person.  It has to be small and then you feel a little relief in you and a contrast begins to grow within you.  A contrast of light and dark. Of pain and relief.  Of life and freeze. 

This is a very important step to know that there is another way, there is light at the end of the tunnel and most don’t trust this for a very long time because it’s too scary to do so, to trust and hope that there is another way of living. 

Now when you burst one little piece of one incident or trauma this begins to build up a persons core energy to be able to handle another little piece of the incident and for it to be held inside of this growing awareness.  And this very unnerving process happens as long as it needs to.  There needs to somehow be an inner agreement with this difficult process if at all possible. 

You grow a little more substance, more core and self and then more freeze or holding in the body begins to feel safe enough to soften and to let go and move new life through you.  It’s disorienting and there’s no getting around it.   You need really, really good people to help you with this process or it can re-freeze people all over again. 

I believe this is why the hallucinogenics and the Ayahuasca medicines are being used so much, to get some awareness into these frozen places and get some healing around these wounds.  Everyone is different and I know people get relief taking this path and these medicines, but I also believe that not everyone knows what really, really good help is.  You are worth searching for this really good help, and it’s out there for you to support you in getting through the castle walls to freedom. 

When you meet one of these shocked places it can be like all of sudden you realize you are seeing through the eyes of an event that happened a long time ago and you had no idea of this.  Our eyes hold so much freeze for the body.  When one little piece gets moved through you and out of you people say they can even see better.   I liken it to looking through a stain glass window that has been cracked in many places.  Each of these cracks is an event that gets held inside of us until we are ready to see it, meet it and feel it through.  

Once this thawing process happens over and over again in bite size pieces that you can handle, you then begin to realize you have been looking through and seeing life inside of this freeze your whole life. You begin to question everything.  Is this real? What is real? Who is this person in front of me who is seemingly making me feel angry? Is this my frozen past that I am seeing through?  Good questions.  We project so much out of us onto the screen in front of us so it can be healed like a projector in a movie, only most don’t know this.  

Projection is Protection and is a great coping mechanism and it’s worked for a very long time, only it’s kept you inside of the Castle thinking this is your only reality.  It’s really helpful to know there is another reality and to stay really curious as to our reactions of what is in front of us, or even our non-reactions.    

If you are not at peace in any given moment then you are looking through the eyes of the past and the frozen places in you.  The Castle of Time has built many walls and they are thick, but there is alway the immense light of our awareness, the water around the castle, and a drawbridge to step across, whenever you’re ready.  

In the beginning was….

The Word.  Yes indeed and how powerful that is but what does that really mean and how can we harness this power in our life?

Here’s my thoughts on intention, manifestation with the power of our vibrational voice.  Jonathan Goldman, President of the Sound Healing Association says it perfectly with his formula:


But what of all these thoughts that scramble inside of me and just what is it that I am creating!  Yes we are creating every moment with all these thoughts but it’s just not as simple as changing our thoughts, although that’s a brilliant start.

These words, these powerful words of love, harmony and inspiration have to be able to get into us.  To land in our land, so to speak.  To dive into our bodily waters and penetrate our earthly bones.  And this.  Is our challenge.  For sure.

I recently had a student in my studio and I asked him to contemplate the difference between fire and water inside of his body as he is a big ol’ pusher.  Of course he’s only doing what he knows best as we all are.  I invited him to notice the movement inside of his body, the flow of energy there and align with this flowing power first with his mind.  Notice this river of motion.  Then to sing his song inside of this flowing water, moving with it and not pushing either into it or away from it.

This approach made a huge difference to how he sang his song and his voice became a reflection from the water inside of him.  His intention had merged with the movement of the water inside of him, his e-motions.  Energy that is moving.  His alignment of his vibrational voice and his water together with his intention of his mind and thoughts created this manifested Word.

Everything is a balance and singing reflects this.  A balance of fiery passion along with the flowing emotion.  The light on the water of our body, said another way it’s the intention of what we want aligned and lowered into our body of water that begins to change the course of accrued Time inside of us.

Over time and with much practice of meditation, embodiment work and the uncovering of the voice we can lower the water level of our awareness deeper and affect great depths with our intentions.

However along the way of this dropping down and lower we meet everything that is in the way of us dropping and bring it to the light for the Great Negotiations to begin.  We get to ask again and again ‘What do I want?’

This process is not for the faint of heart and requires great patience to allow the tides of emotion to wash away the old and start to rebuild anew, thoughts, beliefs, structures and all.

They, the thoughts that is, begin to appear without us fabricating them.  It’s the nature of our being and the way of the light to speak with love and kindness.  It’s there a little deeper down inside of us.  And that’s the really cool part.

“Drop in, drop down, through and all around, into this holy ground, this holy ground in me innocent, wild and free.”

The ‘I have a Dream’ (the super-glue of the ego)

I watched an interview today and wanted to share my thoughts on the notion that we all have a dream and that it’s good to have a dream, and well, just plain bad if we don’t have one.  But not only that, our dreams are only valid if they serve a greater (higher) good.  

The interview focused on a particular woman’s difficult journey in her life from poverty in Africa and then her making it to the United States and onto having all of her dreams fulfilled.  Now don’t get me wrong this beautiful woman had me at ‘I had four children an abusive husband and was poor.  My heart was all the way in and I was moved to tears about her brave and beautiful story.  

So it surprised me when I heard the interviewer and the interviewee agree on the concept that having your dream is so much more important if it serves the greater good.   Your dream is only valid if it brings good back to the community and this is the real stuff of humanity. 

Now I know I’m stepping on sacred territory here and the holy ground of Purpose, Goals and The Meaning of Life.  Just what is wrong with having a dream and a purpose and having it be for the greater good?  Serving the community is good right?  Yes of course, having a dream and the greater good etc, but if I may be so bold as to ask the question does my dream have to serve the higher good and have a grand purpose in order for me to have it? 

I’m sharing this because I teach or know a number of beautiful and talented women who struggle so much with the Purpose Dilemma.  These days there are countless workshops, seminars, online webinars, multi-level this and that  for us to buy into to finally figure out our purpose in life and then I-Can-Relax finally.  We are told that we are here for a purpose and it’s our job to find this out.  Oh my that’s a slippery slope if there ever was one.

This Purpose Search is a beautiful search for so many people these days and I write this to inquire into my own search to purify the Purpose/Dream/Work that I do from any infection of Sacrifice and Guilt that might be lingering around.

Women were liberated from the kitchen only to be thrown into the work world and quickly learned how to sacrifice themselves there as well.  I think the notion of ‘it must serve the greater good’ cripples people and stops them dead in their ‘I have a dream’ tracks because dreams and goals really are the beautiful stuff of life and they need to be purified and cleaned of the guilt, shame and sacrifice that has been put on women.  Yup, I said that. 

I think this sacrificial mentality is  the food and the super-glue of the ego that keeps people (okay mostly women if I’m being honest) in the jailhouse of ‘purpose’ forever and this jailhouse is a House of Guilt.  Guilt that I’m not enough, I need to do more and I have to make up for something I’ve done wrong.  This jailhouse has so many women inside who are peering out through the bars wondering ‘how can I serve the world?‘ so that I can get rid of this guilty feeling inside me.

I recently watched a powerful talk by Gabor Mate, a medical doctor and addiction specialist, and he said that his addiction was his work because he gets so much adulation from doing his talks that it is intoxicating to him and therefore he says it is addictive.  Good for him for saying it out loud for others to hear. 

Listening to your own inner wisdom and what you need and want is the right thing for all concerned, and it doesn’t have to be that the right thing for all concerned is the right thing for you.

I think it’s another cover and a set up by the patriarchy to rob women’s voices again.  Make it all about other people, ‘for the good of all’.   I have to have a dream that is huge and for the good of everyone else first.  Not only that but I must work really hard and push myself past my natural limits to get this dream.  

What if I want to sit on a beach forever sipping Marguerita’s, is that for the good of all?  Or do I need to have this grandiose idea of how my life is going to change the world.  

What if sipping margaritas on a beach gives someone else permission to simply relax and enjoy and maybe that’s enough and maybe I just don’t need to be concerned about what other people need do or need not do.  Maybe God’s on that.

A few years ago I went to a workshop seminar in Los Angeles with a ton of women, it was fantastic it was exciting and very inspiring.  And then the Sacrifice Bomb went off.  The leader (a very famous woman who shall remain nameless) said that we all need to take more action and put-our-money-where-our-mouth-is and contribute more to make a change.  We then broke into groups to begin to plot and scheme what good we should get up to and where we should spread our hard earned energy.  My group had a couple of women who were Mothers with small children who were just as eager as the rest of us.   I proceeded to watch these beautiful women began suffer over the next 3 days trying to be even more than they were being as Mothers and caregivers.  They felt they were not doing enough and the sacrificial guilt was oozing out of them.

It feels like another way to make myself over-responsible for the needs of others before me, which is the wound of so many people; the Over-Responsible Self.  Women, be aware.  Trust your own voice and know that in order for you to really have a voice you are going to think you need to do it for someone or something else.  It’s an infection inside of women and mark my words our strings are being pulled.  What does it mean to you to be Selfish? I see that word breaking down into SELF-IS-Holy.  Put your own mask on first, that’s all. 

Yes, do it just for you, no-one else, try it and see if you can. Break the taboo and infection of first of all this will benefit others and I will be rewarded justly if I sacrifice myself for others (and get out of guilt jail).  If there is another ripple affect of your doing and loving of yourself then trust that God’s on that.  It’s not your business.  

Yes there are starving children.  Yes there are millions of poor people and silenced women.  Yes there are many many problems in the world.  Why then do you have the right to have what you want? I shouldn’t complain when there are starving children in the world.  What? Why the hell not.  Complaining is the way we figure out what we want and what we don’t want.  It’s the gauge for our choices. ‘ I don’t like that, I like this, no wait I don’t like that anymore I like this.’  Now answer me this right now.  Are you responsible for the starving children in Africa?  Can you sit on a beach in Mexico and enjoy yourself and not have to cut off an arm so it (your arm) can be in Africa while the rest of your body sits on a beach?

When we follow that little inner fire tiny step by tiny step not worrying about how this tiny step will heal the world then we might be able to move forward being fuelled by our own energy and not a punishing thought of ‘I should’.  This is a movement of energy not a thought construct to whip you into doing.  Now it’s very likely that this sacred energy is going to be helpful to someone else somehow, but if we start there then we are cutting ourselves out of the enjoyment part and we are triggering an Over-Responsible Self and this can be very painful.  (Side-bar here it’s painful because it triggers you back to when you were a child and you felt responsible for your parents, your family, your overwhelming emotion creating guilt inside and felt alone etc, okay moving right along.)

I know a lot of women that have done a shit load of work by raising kids, having full-time jobs, keeping a house hold running and taking care of their husbands (had to slip that in).  They are tired and they want to sit on a beach in Mexico and just breathe.  A lot of them are dogged by the belief that they need to feed the world, save the starving children, free the people etc, because we are fed this bullshit from every direction.  

It doesn’t mean that if you are one of these women and it just so happens you are freeing and helping the people and that makes you really happy that you should stop, that’s not what I’m saying (because this is my business also).  I’m saying simply that having simple pleasures in life and not feel guilty for having them is a beautiful thing.  Now, all of you, go and save those poor children and if you don’t  fifty life-time lashes for you.